Breastfeeding: And now the judgemental bit

[ailbhe]

Breast is best.

A mother's own breastmilk is the healthiest possible food to feed a baby.

Every mother should try to feed her baby this way. An honest, wholehearted try.

I need to say this because it's true, and I didn't mention it in my last big entry. The evidence is there. It's the best thing to do. And, for most of the world, it's the normal thisng to do.

I don't have statistics to hand, and no-one pays me to write this stuff, so I'm not taking the time to look it up. But I have heard - and I find it upsettingly easy to believe - that almost a third of babies born in the UK never have their mother's nipple in their mouth. Even if I'm wrong, and it's only a tenth, that's just so sad. The numbers for babies whose mothers do try aren't great, either - by the time they are nine months old, only about 10% of babies are still being breastfed. That's sad, too. The biggest fall-off is in the first two to four weeks, I believe - because that's when it's hardest.

We've sort of been lied to. We're told that birth is a beautiful natural sharing caring bonding experience, and it is, yes. But it's also hard, painful work. This doesn't mean that a natural home-birth isn't worth working for. It does mean that it's going to be work, and it will hurt, and even afterwards it will hurt at least some, even days afterwards. And we've been told some very similar lies about breastfeeding.

I say that I had no trouble learning to breastfeed. That's not entirely true. Linnea had no trouble learning to breastfeed. I had less trouble learning to breastfeed than, say, sitting up after the birth. But it had its downsides. It hurt - my uterus hurt, my nipples hurt, my wrists hurt from the weight of a baby. And as I learned to do it better, it didn't hurt any more. It helped a lot that I had small breasts and nipples, and Linnea had a big mouth and a strong suck.

While it hurt, I knew it was something I wanted to do. I grew up assuming that everyone breastfed their babies all the time. I knew that babies had bottles, but I had no clear idea of where in the picture they fitted in - a bit like my early ideas about pantyliners, as distinct from sanitary towels, actually, but let's not go into that. And I had my mother, who breastfed 5 babies for increasingly longer periods of time as she gained confidence to defy her doctors, to tell me that the levels of pain were pretty normal and that it would get better.

And we knew Linnea was getting enough because she spat gallons back out again, at least until we sorted the milk intolerance thing.

And after a while - not a long while, but I can't remember when it was - breastfeeding became the high point of my day. I would sit watching her, waiting for her to wake up so that I could feed her, alone in the room with my baby and the spring sunshine coming in the window, maybe watched by a cat. It was idyllic. Now it's maybe not the high point, but it's wonderful to me. She comes to me hungry and thirsty, tells me with her hands and her face and her little pre-speech noises (Hands: milk sign, and vigorous waving. Face: Outright greed and anticipation. Noises: "Ada! Mama! Mum mum mum mum. Mum.") and even climbs onto my chair and pulls up my shirt, if I think it's amusing to make her work that hard for it.

She looks at me during feeds; she'll look sideways up at me as she lies across my lap, and, her mouth full of nipple, laugh while trying to maintain feeding. It doesn't always work, but it's always gorgeous. She pulls away and looks at me with intent, questing eyes. I don't know what she's looking for. She puts her hands in my mouth to try to find it. Then she latches on again. She turns around mid-feed to see why Rob has suddenly left the room; "Dadda!"; and settles back down when I tell her "Back soon." She pulls away and slides down when she's full, and blows raspberries on my tummy.

And I melt into a big maternal pile of lovestruck goo.

Sigh.

And that's how we'll persuade people to breastfeed. By letting them know it's normal. By showing them the good sides as well as the bad sides from a totally selfish perspective. Not from a think of what's best for your baby perspective. Anyone who was going to start because of that has already decided to start. The remaining third aren't being convinced by the science.

But this'll convince them: breastfeeding is so much fun, I gave up chocolate ice-cream. And I'd choose breastfeeding again, any day I was offered the choice.

Comments

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

Its odd but many mothers talk about how they feel pressured into breastfeeding and are made to feel guilty if they don't. I don't recall it being like this at all. I remember every man and his dog telling me that 'breast is best' etc etc but those were only words from lips. Little allowance is made for mothers to feed when out and about. The hospital antenatal room in which these words were spoken was sponsored by a babymilk company. Every post natal ward has made up baby milk to give out to anyone who wants it and it sure as hell can seem an attractive option at the time when sore and tired and getting no sleep in a hospital. The nurses are always so busy, you never want to monopolise their time because you are taking it from another Mother.

There are two reasons why M. was not completely bottle fed after a rather crappy labour and birth in hospital. One was the chance appearance of a student midwife on the post natal ward who had actually *done* it (as opposed to most of the others who as well as being busy had only theoretical knowledge of the subject). The other was the NCT breastfeeding counsellor - an absolute star. She had told us at classes that breastfeeding might be easy but there was an excellent chance that it would be totally crap for a while, probably around the dreaded 4-6 week point. She was right - all five of us wanted to give up at that point, all five of us kept going and somehow after that point it really did get better. She also made time to help us and that was very significant, she really knew what mattered and would make a difference and help keep you going through mastitis, jaundice, food intolerance, illness etc. Instructions are useless - you need someone alongside you who has actually done it. These days few women grow up watching their mothers or siblings feeding babies. We all see adverts for babymilk, many of my Mother's generation grew up on the 'bottle is better' lesson coupled with a conviction that if a baby doesn't sleep four hours between feed early on then you can't be producing enough milk. I was constantly given well meaning but bad advice about this because M was a terrible sleeper and I was so tired all the time.

R. was born at home, one of the key differences was the time people had for me, the fact that I wasn't sharing midwives both pre and post natal with a bunch of other women in an unfamiliar environment. All through the first time I felt worried that I wasn't producing enough/the right sort/etc because he was a bugger for sleeping and always faffed around when feeding and yet from day 1 R. was guzzling away and putting on weight so plainly my body was entirely capable of doing what was necessary. If I hadn't tried it again the second time I'd have remained permanently doubtful that I was really capable of feeding fully, that I had deprived the first one on account of his being awake so much. I believe that the more relaxed environment did make a difference second time around, I also think they had different personalities but mostly that counsellor was directly responsible for two babies not being on the bottle (because I think if I'd failed the first time I'd not have succeeded the second).

[ailbhe]

Did you enjoy it, the second time?

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

Yes undoubtedly, and of course if you can ride it out through the rough patch at the beginning it is also so much *easier* than bottles. I enjoyed the experience of it the first time once past that really grotty patch but was constantly worried that I was doing the right thing. So many people around me were convinced that the frequency with which he wanted feeding was evidence of underfeeding - that and the fact that I never could pump milk effectively. It was the counsellor who kept reassuring me that lots of mothers find they can't pump, even where they feed babies just fine. It was she who kept pointing out that he looked disgustingly health and alert for an underfed baby and that 'fat' did not equate with 'thriving'. She kept me going up until I went back to work at which point I could only do evenings/nights/mornings and I'm profoundly grateful to her but I'd have *enjoyed* it a lot more if I hadn't had the constant niggling worry engendered by others that I wasn't feeding him enough.

Of course that poor undernourished baby is now 6" and still growing rapidly and has had about five days sick from school in his entire life to date (now in yr 10). :^)

It left me absolutely convinced that whatever is said, there is not enough support for breastfeeding mothers at the critical times which coupled with the problems of feeding away from home give a powerful incentive to five up and switch to bottles. I think I was lucky to have the help I had, I wish more people had it.

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

Thinking about it I also read one really useful book about babies. It was 'How not to be a perfect mother' by Libby Purves and its useful because she talks about all the crappy bits of babies as well as the flowery bits. She also points out the breastfeeding can be really ghastly for a while but you should keep going because it ends up being easier and better for you as well as the baby. Her whole approach was very much 'no warts' and much more useful for that.

[mrs-warwick.livejournal.com]

This is something I have wanted to be able to express, but I am no good with words.
For me, breastfeeding has been, and still is, a wonderful experience. Rhiannon knew what to do from the start, she latched on properly the first time. There were times in the first couple of weeks when I dreaded getting her latched on because it hurt so much, but we were able to work through it. I found the cluster feeding tough at times, but it only lasted for a few months. My sanity saver was a ring sling, it made nursing on the move, particularly when walking the dog, so much easier. I don't recommend trying to nurse a 2 month old whilst in control of a pram and a dog who is playing deaf.
There would be times when she would just give me this look, that said 'everything is just perfect.' She would gently hold my breast with both hands and place little kisses on my nipple.
she has nursed in some odd positions - especially in bed. On one occassion she wriggled around so much we ended up with me lying on my back and Rhiannon straddling my neck so I had a faceful of nappy. We had started in a more conventional position lying side by side. Naturally, she did the entire manoevure without once unlatching.
I didn't appreciate the attempts to see how far my nipples would stretch, or the vigorous investigations of my mouth and nose. Biting results in a swift delatch.
Part of me is ready to give up nursing, but another part is not ready to just yet. This is one part of parenting that is just me and her, our special thing.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

gosh, yes, what you said. when N is feeding, i can categorically say it is the best thing about parenthood. other times of the day other things might be better, like TT asking me what 164+164 is. but when N is feeding, yeah, what you said.

he's going to be 2 in a few weeks. he'll be moving into a big boy's bed. but he's not going to wean anytime soon. i'm sure he's not, but my heart still lurches any day when i realise that he's not had a feed at all.

but then there are the days when he comes to me when he's really thirsty, and what I have to actually do is convince him that what he really needs _first_ is a big cup of water!

and you do write incredibly, you really "speak". i'm adding you to my friends list, if you don't mind.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

I'm not a mother, or planning to be one, but I seem to be surrounded by intelligent, expressive women who have had children relatively recently. And what I've learnt in the last year which I totally wasn't aware of is the extent to which breastfeeding is a learnt skill. The extent to which, if it feels like a crap disaster the first time, that doesn't mean you're a failure, it means you haven't learnt this skill yet.

If I'd had children, it would probably have been before now, and I think that's something I would have wanted to know, and if I didn't know it, I think I'd have been reasonably likely to give up.

[gioiaverdi.livejournal.com]

I agree that breastfeeding is the best option for a baby, and the most natural way to go. It doesn't always work, though, however hard you try - believe me, I know this, from experience. In my case, it was down to the fact that Megan couldn't breathe while feeding, to do with the large size and very round shape of my boobs - I couldn't keep her nose clear without pulling the nipple out of her mouth. This meant I had to put her on and off of the breast pretty much constantly all day and all night so she could feed in short bursts until her air ran out, in order to enable her to get anything like sufficient food to satisfy her. Result: I was engorged and in pain the whole time and she was STILL vocally hungry.

Unlike hypatia, I was made to feel guilty about the fact that it wasn't working, and told outright that the reason it wasn't was because I didn't want to breastfeed.

Well, I did. I wanted to badly enough that when the health-visitory woman said ungraciously "Well you'd better give up, dear" I found another option that nobody, anywhere, suggested to me - and for the next year or so as far as milk went, she was both wholly bottle fed, and wholly fed on my breastmilk - I simply expressed milk for all meals, rather than occasional ones (and enough that I provided a goodish supply for the local prem unit). I hope (but I doubt) that other mothers experiencing serious trouble breastfeeding have that option suggested to them these days, because while it may not be ideal, it has a lot going for it, especially in comparison with the formula route.

I didn't, perhaps, get the blissful maternal highs you describe, but on the other hand, Nic got some excellent bonding opportunities, Megan got properly fed and I managed to overcome the guilt while I was still doing it, rather than have it follow me forever. :-)

[ailbhe]

Here, it is assumed that any woman attempting to breastfeed will pump at least some of the time. All the women I know who tried to breastfeed and had difficulties pumped with electric pumps provided by the hospital. Unfortunately, not all women can pump effectively.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I struggled breastfeeding Kate as she had reflux & puked up so many feeds. I was in constant high pain with my back & in shock from my first ever visit to hospital to have my baby & being mis-lead that birth was a natural, practically pain fre joyous experience.

I had no breastfeeding support & a friend suggested that we gave Kate formula in bottles at night so Andy could alternate night feeds as that is what she'd done. I had no idea about expressing & had no bottles or anything in the house as had just assumed that breastfeeding was easy & we'd just get in there & do it.

Another friend went out & bought me the same bottles & sterliser & milk that she'd used as her milk had never come in, showed me what to do with it all & off we went.

The luxury of getting extra sleep was bliss & after a few weeks I just fed Kate last thing at night (before her bedtime) & first thing in the morning (when she & I woke up properly) My supply was diminishing & went away gradually. I had no idea about supply & demand & no real idea about what I was doing.

I discovered lj & read about other mother's experiences & felt sad that I hadn't found out more at the time.

I determined to know exactly what I was doing with Holls & had her put to my breast immediately for some skin to skin (well as soon as we went into the recovery room) as this was never offered with Kate.

I fed her fine in the hospital apart froma day's fussing when my milk came in & the taste changed & breastfed her exclusively for x number of weeks (I forget now) & then started to get the hang of punping & pumped out 1 feed's worth for Andy to do 1 night feed.

I was then ill & couldn't get out of bed without fainting or puking, so Holly was given formula top ups as I apparently slept through feed times without even waking.

Then, at 12 weeks I was diagnosed with PND & Holly refused the breast for 2 entire days at every single feed & I used formula & bottles myself for the first time. The HV told me never to offer my breast again & not to pump & I did what I was told as I now know that when PND is at it's worse you can't make any form of decision for yourself & just do whatever you're told to.

My mum came over for 2 weeks & did the day feeds & Andy did the night feeds while I slept & cried & wandered around like a lost soul & we then moved house.

Through choice, I would love to still be breastfeeding & I felt a pang last week at the baby group when a woman was breastfeeding her 7 month old & raved about how fab breastfeeding is. Holly fussed slightly for a feed, but I was too ashamed to make up a bottle & rocked her to sleep instead.

I really must get past this ridiculous guilt.

Not sure why I'm telling you all this either as I'm actually supposed to be in bed asleep as I'm knackered.

*hug*

[ailbhe]

I remember you trying not to stop feeding. It was hard to be supportive without condemning formula, but you clearly wanted to feed.

PND is difficult. For me, feeding was probably the only thing that kept me away from the edge of PND, and it definitely helped with the PTSD. But for you, it was tiring and draining, instead of rejuvenating and snuggly. And you don't need that on top of PND.

You tried very hard. You don't have a big list of physical hurdles you overcame, because you had galloping postnatal depression, which isn't a physically visible problem the way bleeding nipples are.

You'll stop feeling guilty eventually.

A third of all women in the UK never even try.

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

I first read 'How Not To Be a Perfect Mother' by Libby Purves when my oldest child was about 10 weeks old. It saved my sanity - especially the breastfeeding chapter, which was where I realised for the first time that I was not the only one who had really struggled to continue breastfeeding. I went on to be a very happy breastfeeder and none of my 3 children have ever tasted formula (the youngest is now 1).

I have read this book over and over again, and can now quote whole sections of it, verbatim. Everyone who has a baby should read it!

[gioiaverdi.livejournal.com]

Good to hear the option's available (Electric pumps? Luxury! Now when I were a lass...) when I did it, pumps were presented as being for when you absolutely couldn't be there for your baby's feed. The only health professional who gave me the least support was my GP.

I don't pretend my answer'd be the answer for everyone, but at least it's another route to explore, is what I was getting at, I guess.

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

Unlike hypatia, I was made to feel guilty about the fact that it wasn't working, and told outright that the reason it wasn't was because I didn't want to breastfeed.

That is horrendous. I never cease to be retrospectively grateful to my helper - she knew *so much* and had so much experience to share it was exactly the kind of 'emotional' support you need at such times. I really was very anxious at times that by sticking with it I was doing the wrong thing and it was her reassurance and practical knowledge which kept me going. Even then it was only with the second one's success that I really was sure I had been right to stick with it first time.

Your experience is partly the kind of thing I had in mind when I say that the 'breast is best' message comes from the lips but is often not backed up. The problem you had with large breasts was specifically covered by the breastfeeding counsellor in the class she gave - its not so very uncommon and pumping to get past bouts of engorgement or 'inflation' was specifically suggested. Its outrageous that a health visitor whose remit includes new mothers should be so ignorant of the practicalities, or unable even to recommend secondary help (something which health visitors here will do more often nowadays). She also covered those of us at the smaller end of the spectrum warning that we could pretty much expect one or more people to tell us we wouldn't be able to feed because they were not 'big enough'. That was a useful warning too - the first person to warn me of that 'risk' was a nurse on the postnatal ward!

Re: *hug*

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

A third is appalling! That may help my guilt go away.

Re: *hug*

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

No-one's ever said anything. I was actually glared at in East Midlands airport when I breastfed Holly & heard a woman in her 60's muttering about how disgusting it was.

Re: *hug*

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Know, so I should just get over it really ...

Re: *hug*

[ailbhe]

... and so back to my original post...

[batswing.livejournal.com]

That's the most lovely commentry I've seen on the subject!