Small, significant things
Sep. 26th, 2012 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ailbheYesterday evening I went out to a meeting of the Reading Arts Business Club. The inaugural meeting. It was in the basement bar of a cafe/bar place I'd never been to before, on my usual bus route. I went in a little early and a bunch of people were there, ordering drinks; I joined the queue and someone joined after me, and when it was my turn I ordered, then he ordered, and he said something like "I'll get these."
I said "Oh - um - oh - um, I'd really rather not."
He said "Oh no, it's fine."
I said "Um, I'd prefer not to."
He said "But we're both going to the same place."
I shut up.
But I thought about it while I waited to be actually served my drink, and I said "Actually, I'm really not comfortable with this [to the air near him, not him, but never mind,] I'll pay for mine please,[to the bar staff]" and I did pay for my own and I felt much better.
But it wasn't EASY. He came to apologise for seeming pushy at the end of the evening, and I said it didn't matter, because I was pleased I'd realised I wasn't nineteen and I could say no if I wanted to. I am so glad I'm not nineteen any more.
And Rob says he thinks I might be going grey, a bit, near the front.
Bring it on.
I said "Oh - um - oh - um, I'd really rather not."
He said "Oh no, it's fine."
I said "Um, I'd prefer not to."
He said "But we're both going to the same place."
I shut up.
But I thought about it while I waited to be actually served my drink, and I said "Actually, I'm really not comfortable with this [to the air near him, not him, but never mind,] I'll pay for mine please,[to the bar staff]" and I did pay for my own and I felt much better.
But it wasn't EASY. He came to apologise for seeming pushy at the end of the evening, and I said it didn't matter, because I was pleased I'd realised I wasn't nineteen and I could say no if I wanted to. I am so glad I'm not nineteen any more.
And Rob says he thinks I might be going grey, a bit, near the front.
Bring it on.
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(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 07:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 05:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-26 10:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 12:04 am (UTC)Turning 40 was such a relief for me - because it meant I had a socially acceptable reason for not doing things I'd never wanted to do (having children, dressing "in style", etc.)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:39 am (UTC)Same difference really.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 02:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 04:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 07:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 07:40 am (UTC)(BTW, I've been going grey for about 30 years - found my first one at age about 16, and I'm still less than half way there. You might find that once you start it goes quickly. Which would be a lot better than the 'slightly faded' look which I have when I don't deploy chemicals)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 08:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 12:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 11:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-27 02:59 pm (UTC)Was it near-stranger male buying the drinks, I don't know if I can trust him not to spike them?
Was it near-stranger male buying the drinks, he might be expecting a kiss or more in exchange?
Was it I like to pay my own way? (So I can monitor my alcohol intake more easily?)
Or something else?
I'm just curious, since I accept drinks from friends I can trust whenever I go out, due to the difficulty of getting to the bar when disabled. If it's a friend with a good income I let them pay for the drinks, otherwise I give them the money.
I wouldn't accept a drink from a stranger unless it was sealed with the original seal and I'd seen where it had come from.
If this was a business meeting, he may be of sufficient class/privilege that he just can't see why it would be concerning for a woman he'd just met to accept a drink from him. So you may need to explain that too.
Anyway, well done for standing up for yourself.
Date: 2012-09-27 03:06 pm (UTC)Also, if I let him pay for my water and then six hours later he followed me home and raped me, it'd basically be my fault in the local papers, really.
Re:
Date: 2012-09-29 05:26 pm (UTC)Part of what makes feminism so exhausting is having to argue with privileged men, who then come out with "Oh well, I won't bother doing anything polite in the future" *sulk*. The key thing is to ask whether he'd have done the same thing if you'd been male.
There are things like holding a door open rather than letting it swing in someone's face that are just polite for people in general, and then there are things like buying a stranger her drink so she'll feel indebted to you and obliged to get to know you. "Nice" men might not have thought through how their actions can be perceived by women used to "typical" male behaviour :/
Good luck! *hugs*