Gosh I hate myself today

It's probably something to do with the dreams about Nazis, pits full of living children next to huge mountains of leeches, etc. And the housework, the neverending housework. I went out last night so today I have EVEN MORE tidying to do than usual. I want a nice cosy cellar to live in all alone with the rats and the cockroaches.

Small, significant things

Yesterday evening I went out to a meeting of the Reading Arts Business Club. The inaugural meeting. It was in the basement bar of a cafe/bar place I'd never been to before, on my usual bus route. I went in a little early and a bunch of people were there, ordering drinks; I joined the queue and someone joined after me, and when it was my turn I ordered, then he ordered, and he said something like "I'll get these."

I said "Oh - um - oh - um, I'd really rather not."

He said "Oh no, it's fine."

I said "Um, I'd prefer not to."

He said "But we're both going to the same place."

I shut up.

But I thought about it while I waited to be actually served my drink, and I said "Actually, I'm really not comfortable with this [to the air near him, not him, but never mind,] I'll pay for mine please,[to the bar staff]" and I did pay for my own and I felt much better.

But it wasn't EASY. He came to apologise for seeming pushy at the end of the evening, and I said it didn't matter, because I was pleased I'd realised I wasn't nineteen and I could say no if I wanted to. I am so glad I'm not nineteen any more.

And Rob says he thinks I might be going grey, a bit, near the front.

Bring it on.