Monday moaning

First I fried pancakes and Emer refused to eat them, and then I cleared some kitchen surfaces, and then I cleared the floor in the front room, more or less, ish, and then I put away clean laundry, and then I unblocked the toilet - I made Linnea watch me because she blocked it with loo roll and so she has now apologised and perhaps will remember not to do it in future, but impulse control is hard - and I half-dressed the children and dressed myself and tied my hair up because I can't flatten it down (it's scarved away now) and finally shoved the damn kids in front of the bloody television because the house is a PIT OF DESPAIR and I am not coping well with the pain in my, possibly, kidneys, but more likely back muscles or ovaries or something else.

Oh, and I finished assembling dinner and plugged in the slow cooker and put it on.

I really hate fishing around in a toilet. Rubber gloves may be physically germproof but they are not psychically yuckproof.

...

Does one ever grow accustomed to looking into the eyes of one's baby and seeing a huge great grown-up GIRL? In all her beautiful self-made glory I never knew I would see so much a whole entire person - more entire than I have ever felt - looking out at me from a face I know considerably better than my own, because I've never spent as long looking at my face as I have at hers.

This evening at dinner, I saw the woman Linnea will be. Just for a minute, but there she was, just as the baby is still there, but hard to see all the time.

I am awed.

I am terrifically angry right now

But not as bad as I was an hour ago. I am at the absolute peak of hormonal discomfort today. I am furious and fragile, and I keep wanting to throw things or smash crockery. The children have been fed whatever they liked and the telly and computer have been on most of the day, and they very kindly didn't wind me up at all, so I haven't been angry with them or at them or whatever it's called. Rob went out and bought a ton of refined sugar products and I ate three doughnuts very fast and then felt much better, but then I saw a sharp knife and wanted to stab the cake with it really hard.

But since none of this is directed at the kids and they are blithe and blissful I don't mind so much. It's all so random that it's not upsetting; just... acknowledge and move on.

papersky's Farthing

I just read it - it arrived in the post today from an anonymous benefactor (thank you!) - and loved it. Because a couple of books I read in the last year had superficial similarities and dealt with incest I did feel slightly queasy as I waited for that to arise, but it didn't, thankfully, so I will be able to enjoy it much more next time.

I think it's brilliant. And I really hope the library has the other two.