Not Artistic

[ailbhe]

All my life I have drawn, painted, coloured, sculpted. And all my life I have been told that I am "not the artistic one," that my little efforts of art were perfectly respectable for someone who was not artistic and I grew up believing -- this is complicated, because I am trying to articulate never-articulated assumptions I wouldn't have consciously believed had I been aware of them -- that my art was childish, that all children need art in their lives as part of their development and to aid developing an aesthetic sense, but that for me it was a child-thing which I had to leave behind when I reached adulthood and had tedious office jobs.

That's not quite accurate but it'll do.

I never tried to draw really well after primary school because by then I knew that I was Not Talented and so there was no point in trying. I did try, a bit, and I took Art for Junior Cert and for Leaving (though I dropped out long before exams, and was never as sure I would have passed Art as I was that I would pass my other subjects, what was left of them). Then I had a go, in a halfhearted kind of way, a few times, though never painting after one or two exercises from a book I got as part of the most amazing arty Christmas gift ever, and then I had children.

For children, I found I needed to have art in my life.

I can't separate children and art. They go together like mud puddles and wellies, thunder and lightning, flour and white handprints. Children use their painted tummies to make prints on paper, layer their paintings up over the top of each other until one sheet contains seventeen artworks and looks almost but not quite uniformly brown, paint their gross motor development (no, really! when they are painting circles they also walk in circles; when they are painting straight lines they are running back and forth; when they paint zig-zags - it's amazing and exciting). Children give their artwork and hoard it jealously, tear it up and stick it on the wall. They use the blank reverse of my favourite child-painting to draw a pattern for a poo-collecting-machine and then cut up the outlines, destroying a magnificent bicycle I had intended to frame.

So when I had children, I gave them art. We drew and painted and tore and glued. I bought Linnea good quality sketch paper and chalks, because the lousy quality of children's crayons enraged me, and we drew our way from Reading to Holyhead to Dublin to Galway to the Aran Islands, us and Donkey. Later I breastfed Emer while I drew a horse for Linnea, sitting opposite me; I drew it with my left hand and upside-down (right way up for her), but she said it passed muster.

I carry crayons and paper, or at least a pen or pencil and an old shop receipt. When I am stuck with children in a boring place, that's what happens. For Emer I painted the Faffint, a red elephant on a yellow background. Linnea's portrait of the newborn Emer hangs in the dining room, poster-paints on canvas.

But although I received the most amazing arty Christmas gift ever before Rob and I got married, it was actually intimidatingly good, and I was afraid of wasting such marvellous things by doing inferior work with them.

Eight or nine years later, Lucy gave me canvases for Christmas, and then after Christmas I was massively suicidal and decided I needed to start ACTING like I deserved nice things, and I started painting.

It turns out I am allowed to paint.

And now, having sold ten paintings, I am even allowed to practice drawing again.




The most amazing arty Christmas gift ever contained:
- Winsor & Newton water-based oil colours, 6 tubes.
- A Winsor & Newton watercolour box set, with palette.
- Many Pro-Arte oil brushes and some other brand of sables
- Willow charcoal
- Pencils
- Palette knife
- Canvas boards for oils
- three pads of top-quality watercolour paper, one block and two glued on only one edge
- tear-off paper palette
- six-well plastic palette for oils
- plastic palette for watercolours
- two books to teach oneself to paint with watercolours and oils
- probably some other stuff I've forgotten

Comments

[nitoda]

You are most definitely allowed to paint. You may even be *required* to paint - and it's SO good to read about how your artistic expression is energising and enthusing you again.

[sfred]

Your cat sketch is lovely!

[aquaeri]

Art isn't really about Being Talented, it's about being yourself, and you need it.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

Learn to trust yourself and stop listening to the negativity of others. No one knows you as well as you know yourself and art is a very subjective thing. That you have sold things to people who value them is a good thing, but it's better that you valued them enough to share with others.

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

I love the cat. Definitely not un-talented! And I love that you're painting and that it helps you.

[euphrosyna]

Our stories are being quite similar - minus the children! I always loved art but never thought I was any good. A few years ago my mum got me easels and awesome art stuff for Christmas, but it has lain dormant. I just started my lessons in a fit of "I need to do things with my life or I'll just get more and more depressed" and I am LOVING it. I can't wait for my next one and just want to paint and paint and paint and paint... :)

I still don't believe I can draw though. lol

[biascut.livejournal.com]

I think it's brilliant that you've discovered you're allowed to draw and paint, but I don't think you should count yourself as having given it up as much as you think you did. To me, your fabulous orange walls and coloured shelves as art, and so do the bright orange top and trousers you were wearing when I met you at radegund's and the tie-dyed things the children were wearing. That's all hugely part of my impression of you: your love of colour and boldness and putting your stamp on the world around you and showing that colours make you happy. Which I recognise because colours make me happy too!

But I don't think that means you should stop painting or anything - have all of the colours! All of the art!

[ailbhe]

It does all seem kind of obvious *now*, yes. Radz was the first to point out to be that I have a thing about colour.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

"Hooray" for childhood labels that constrain a person in later life :/ Another friend was recently talking about having been "not the pretty one", with similar results.

Why do people make comments like this? Is it supposed to be consoling?

[ailbhe]

Ha ha, I'm the Big Solid Sturdy One It's Not That She's Fat.

[ailbhe]

You can tell it's a cat!

[ailbhe]

Heh, that depends on the family. I'm those two and they haven't done me a great deal of good. And the sister who is The Reliable One... well.

The two who were The Special One and The Pretty Ones... yeah, it didn't do them much good.

I think being The Artistic One was ok, though obviously other simultaneous roles weren't.

[ailbhe]

It occurs to me that being Not The Smart One might be really hard to live with, too. Yuk.

[barakta]

I am so saddened that your art was something you were talked out of by others.

My mum grew up believing "art" "literature" and "music" were only for clever people and cos she was "not clever" enjoying them wasn't okay. She was directed into the first trial year of ACCESS courses and was taught that it was more than okay to enjoy art, music and literature on whatever level she could.

She went out and treated herself to three large hardback encyclopaedia things of artists, writers and musicians which had pictures and context of ~100 "greats" of each of their lives and was able to allow herself to learn things she'd never felt allowed to before.

It is lovely to see your painting posts and your work is truly lovely. I have always thought of you as a greatly artistic, colourful and creative person and we've never met IRL. I hope you keep getting joy from your work.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I believe in art. I'm so glad you are letting yourself partake in it again.

*hug*

N.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

Oh yes - according to my family members (not my mother or father) I was "creative" but not bright. Which doesn't even make any sense!

N.

[submarine-bells.livejournal.com]

The idea that people aren't supposed to draw unless they're good at it is almost as vexing to me as the concept that folk aren't allowed to sing unless they're good singers. Bugger that. Creative pursuits shouldn't always be about performance for others, and I mind the general assumption that they should be. Create stuff if you feel the urge. Doesn't matter how good or bad the end result is, the *process* of creation, of making something out of nothing, is deeply satisfying and should be the birthright of every human being.

The fact that a lot of folk are really enjoying your artistic creations is awesome, and I'm really glad for you. If it leads you to a place where you can enjoy creation for its own sake, that's wonderful.:-)

[biascut.livejournal.com]

??? YOU'RE the big solid sturdy one?!

Is this one of those things that's based on being the tallest when you were eight or something, or are your sisters actually smaller than you? I think of you as distinctly petite!

[ailbhe]

Some are taller but they are all slighter than I am, as was my mother until middle-aged spread. I'm like my Auntie Emer.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

My oldest childhood friend, Jean, is amazingly talented artistically. She sews, makes dolls, makes fantastic cards with original art work, makes children's clothes, soft leather shoes, pottery & bakes the most fantastic cakes & decorates them to a fantastic standard (she made Kate's first birthday cake & our second wedding reception cake in Jersey)

She only started doing all this as an adult, as her older sister has a degree in fine arts & she was never allowed to be artistic as a child ...

[ai731.livejournal.com]

My sister was "Not The Smart One". She was a terror as a teen-ager. She's now got a PhD from Oxford and does biochemical research for a living. I was "The Smart One" I'm unemployed and living on a hobby farm, raising chickens. We're both pretty happy these days, though.

[ailbhe]

"If you got 99% you can get 100, you're supposed to be the clever one."

[ailbhe]

I'm the only one of the five of us to have no Leaving Cert and no degree.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

that's wonderful :) i'm glad you managed to get in touch with your inner artist and lead her out into the daylight

[divulge.livejournal.com]

I love this post.
I was always Not the Creative One too, and feel that anything I attempt will be no good because of it. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to do things you love :)

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

I really feel for the brother who came right after me as far as that goes.

I was The Smart One. He was premature and The Special One -- physically small, and labelled "slow" by his teachers. It wasn't till he was nine years old that it was figured out that he's not stupid but had a specific learning disability. That must've been a fucking hard row to hoe.

(I was The Smart One and also The Responsible One and also The Girl. It's hard to tell which of those has done the most damage over the course of my life, but I have to say that combination was pretty bloody toxic.)

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Yes. One of the big things I gave myself when I grew up was permission to be crap at things without being A Failure.

I play pool, even though I know I'll never be any good at it. In fact I'm so bad that it's funny. That's why I play.