What's your favourite joke?

[ailbhe]

Dara O'Briain's is

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same.

(Old Christmas Cracker joke - I love that).

Among my favourites are

If it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight, how far is it from St Patrick's Day to America?
(As long as a piece of string).

and

Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Banana (Banana who?)
Just banana.
Knock knock (who's there?)
Banana (Banana who?)
Just banana.
Knock knock (who's there?)
Banana (Banana who?)
Just banana.
Knock knock (who's there?)
Orange (Orange who?)
Orange-oo glad I didn't say banana?

And a recent couple from Linnea:

How do you get an alien baby to sleep?
Rock it!

and

What kind of key do you need to open a banana?
A monkey.

The old ones are the oldest, that's what I always say.

Comments

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

My two favorite jokes are not family-friendly. Some of the ones the Munchkins liked when they were little:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

And so on. :-)

Actually, wtfpotatoes favored "When is a door not a window? When it's a flower!" or jokes of approximately that level of coherence.

What's gray and has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c--
MOO!

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

There's also "Interrupting Dyslexic Cow" -- "OOOM!" and "Interrupting Starfish" -- stick your hand out, with all five fingers outstretched, right into the person's face. Then there's "Interrupting Dyslexic Starfish," where you stick your hand into your OWN face.

[lackofgravitas.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have to teach my daughter that knock-knock one (the only joke she knows at the moment is the orange/banana, and numerous surreal and not-actually-funny variations of her own devising).

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

What's brown and has four legs and a trunk?

A mouse coming back from holidays!

[trizia.livejournal.com]

The duck one is catspur's favourite too.

[artela.livejournal.com]

"What did the Slug say to the Snail?"
"Big Issue?!"

[piqueen.livejournal.com]

My sister got confused when she found out that elephants are cows or bulls which lead to the ever popular.

What's a brown elephant called?
A cow

What's a grey cow called?
An elephant

Which had the house in stitches every time she told it so of course she kept telling it.

[cantkeepsilent.livejournal.com]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Q. Did you hear about the guy they called Six and Seven-Eighths?

A. They pulled his name out of a hat.

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

- What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

- Dam.


I read that out to the family from a Penguin bar wrapper about two years ago, fell into hysterics over it and still giggle every time I hear it!

[triskellian]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

[pizza.maircrosoft.com (from livejournal.com)]

browsing friends of friends, I can't resist adding my mum's favourite to the list:

where does a baby ape sleep?
in an ape-ri-cot!

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Q. Why does an elephant have a tail?

A. So it doesn't come to a sudden end.

It's funnier in Hebrew. As are all the other elephant jokes, of which I know a truly prodigious number. I still think they're funny, too - especially this one:

Q. How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

A. You can see its little footprints in the butter.

Hee hee hee...

[radegund.livejournal.com]

There's one that cracks me up every time, although I'm not entirely sure why:

You: What's the difference between a gorilla's mum, Prince Charles, a bald man, and a pot of glue?

Your unsuspecting interlocutor: I don't know! What is the difference between a gorilla's mum, Prince Charles, a bald man, and a pot of glue?

You: Well, a gorilla's mum is a hairy parent, Prince Charles is the heir apparent, and on the head of a bald man there is ne'er a hair apparent.

Your unsuspecting interlocutor: But ... what about the pot of glue?

You: THAT'S WHERE YOU GET STUCK!

==========

Then there's the donkey series:

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, who's ten feet tall?
A lanky winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, who's ten feet tall and never washes?
A manky lanky winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, who's ten feet tall and never washes, does Elvis impressions and has a television screen in its tummy?
A Tinky-Winky honky-tonky manky lanky winky wonky.

[merryhouse.livejournal.com]

Love the duck.

What's the connection between a raven and a writing desk? - there's a b in both.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? - no-eye deer. A deer with no eyes and no legs? - still no-eye deer. A mating deer with no eyes and no legs? - still no-fucking-eye deer.

What's the difference between a cook's brain-pan and an overwound clock? ...is a teasing line which never gets answered in The Yeomen of the Guard.

But I have a soft spot for Knock-knock! - who's there? - Doctor - Doctor Who?

[pne.livejournal.com]

One of my first favourite jokes was:

How do you flatten a ghost?
With a spirit level!

which I found incredibly funny when I was seven or thereabouts, and would tell everyone who didn't run away quickly enough.

Closely followed by:

Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of the sand-which-is there!

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes!

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Isabelle!
Isabelle who?
Isabelle necessary on a bicycle?

And there's another one about microsurgery, but that's not for mixed company.

Nor is the one about the man and the woman who've had plastic surgery.