Birth story: The last 8 hours or so

[ailbhe]

Some of you may be interested in this. Some may not. Some of you may be thinking "Gosh, I'm tired of reading about Ailbhe's birth, can't she think about anything else?" to which I say "I'm tired of thinking about my birth, and I'm tired of living with a lot of the aftermath, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for being obsessed with what is arguably the biggest and most traumatic experience I have ever and will ever have. I certainly hope it is anyway."

So now we know where we stand.

I stopped believing there was a baby; I thought I would be in labour forever, that there was no end. I couldn't remember a time before labour. I couldn't imagine my baby, because once the epidural kicked in I couldn't feel her anymore. There was the enormity of my bump, neverending, and the flaccid uselessness of my legs, and the ache in my back, but no baby, except occasionally I'd notice the heartbeat monitor when I tried to breathe or move and was stopped because the monitor on my flank lost the drumbeats somewhere and the green lines went flat...

Then there was terror, abject babbling hopeless terror, when I begged and begged them for nothing - I repeated "I'm afraid, I'm afraid," over and over, and told Rob "Don't leave me!"

I meant "Don't let them send you away."

They told me to push. I couldn't feel the muscles I was using but I flexed them with my brain somehow and I pushed. My belly caved in and sagged and I thought, quite clearly, "Does that mean I don't have to have a caesarian?"

Then they put a baby on the towel over my stomach, grey and odd, and I don't know what happened then. That wasn't real; that is the least real part of the whole experience. I don't remember my baby's birth very well at all.

I know I touched her, and said something fatuous like "That's my baby!" and I know that I asked Rob whether he had touched my - my - baby. I don't really knwo what happened though. They had to ask Rob to check whether she was male or female, because neither of us cared - it didn't occur to us to sex the thing on my stomach. When he said "A girl," I said "Then it's Linnea. Hello, Linnea." They took her away and as they carried her across the room she shouted - not a weeping cry, but a shout; it didn't sound at all unhappy or uncomfortable. I went into shocked rapture and asked everyone over and over "My baby has a voice! Did you hear my baby's voice? She has a voice!"

That was some of it.

Comments

[rosefox]

I'm not tired of reading or hearing about it. JFTR.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Isn't it wonderful, the first time you heard her voice!

I remember the first time I heard Weegirl's, she cried for a couple of minutes then was given to DH all wrapped up in a blanket.

[buzzy-bee.livejournal.com]

I'm interested to hear about it. I find it strange to read because our experiences differed so enormously, both in what happened during the births and obviously the outcome. But I'm certainly not adverse to continue reading about it if it helps you to write it.

I hope my experience (a good birth experience going some way to ease the pain of losing the baby) validates your feelings about yours in some way. Your story certainly goes some way to validate my feeling that actually a healthy baby *isn't* all that matters, though clearly its the preferred outcome. Of course the ideal would be for everyone to have my birth experience and your health baby girl. I guess I'm just relieved I didn't have the opposite - your birth experience *and* a loss.

I'm not saying this at all well (I'm tired). I've read things you have written over the months about Linnea's birth and worried about replying, in case I invoked some "I shouldn't be moaning, things could be worse" feelings in you, because thats not how *I* feel about your feelings at all. I think they are perfectly normal and valid reactions to a very very horrible experience which has had devastating consequences. What you went through is still my second worst nightmare (after, obviously, losing this baby as well).

M

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

Your friends are here for you.

[random-c.livejournal.com]

You are, by law, entitled to go on about this for the next 18 years, longer if she hasn't moved out by then.

[submarine-bells.livejournal.com]

Nor am I. I'm glad to read anything you wish to share.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Nor I.

[rosefox]

Though you may not want to reenact labor pains on her birthday the way rosemom always does on mine....

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

This is really scary and wow and amazing stuff. I wanna know.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I'm never tired of hearing about it. It took me 2 years to "get over" my trauamtic birth experince & it was no way near as bad as yours.

I'm even crying now recalling the first time I saw Kate because I'll be doing it all again in a couple of weeks :)

[ailbhe]

I think I might tell her about how I won the Scrabble, with FOSTERS on a triple word score, all seven letters in one go, and about how I drank tea and ate melon - all the very early bits in hospital, before it got dramatic. And I think I won't tell her about the rest, probably ever.

[ailbhe]

Waaaah! *snf*

Baby baby baby baby baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!

[k425.livejournal.com]

For a start, it's your journal so you get to write whatever you want. No-one has to read it. And then, I feel that talking, or writing about things that matter like this can really help us get our heads and emotions around what has happened to us. And finally, I hope that soon you don't feel guilty and you don't feel you're obsessing about it any more.

Your "shocked rapture", that makes me want to cry. I remember feeling something like that and finding it incredible.

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

What she said.

Even if everything goes peachy perfect it is still such a huge and overwhelming experience for most people that its hard to stop thinking and talking about it. Add on the fact that it does completely change and dominate your life ongoing, irrespective of what you do workwise - its hardly odd to be talking about it when you are only 6 months down the line. You label the posts clearly, I like hearing about how things are going.

I empathise with the problem of clothing babies which don't fit the conventional sizing. If the size comes from the length then H&M were pretty good for reasonably priced clothes but to be honest I got a lot of stuff second hand from friends or the local nearly new shop. They grew out of everything so fast that I was passing them on again within weeks.

k425 - I am sure I know you from somewhere or should do? usenet?

[k425.livejournal.com]

No doubt from usenet. My entire social group is usenet! I used to be Linz on alt.fan.pratchett, then I tried other newsgroups and lost time for afp. I recognise your name, and think afp is where from, but I don't remember who you are, if you see what I mean!

[hypatia.livejournal.com]

oh yes - afp, linz the midwife cyclist?? but only an occasional visitor now. I still look after some of the FAQs there.

possibly elsewhere as well - aue or the shed I think, or somewhere else in the uk hierarchy.

I know there are so many ex usernetters here but mapping people onto their lj nicks is something I'm remarkably bad at. I saw your LJ nick on several of my friends' lists and knew there had to be an overlap somewhere.

"My entire social group is usenet!"

Junior in the picture must be very advanced for his age :}

[k425.livejournal.com]

Cycling nurse, so you were pretty close. And yes, aue and the shed are also places I frequent (although with a lot of use of "mark thread read").

I've always said it's a small world. There really are only 200 people on Usenet.

k425sbug types when given the opportunity...

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

It's nearly 18 months later, and I still have a lot of issues about my son's birth. It was nowhere near as traumatic as yours, but I still have a lot of anger and sadness and occasionaly physical pain over how things went (mainly the episiotomy, which I suspect was entirely unnecessary, possibly done out of spite, and most likely not taken care of ideally).

I definetly still think about both the good and bad parts of a daily basis.