Vicissitudes

Today has had its ups and downs. Ups: By 11 am, we were both washed, dressed, and fed, the kitchen and bathroom floors were washed, the house was tidied, and we'd watched Teletubbies. Downs: well, the phone rang.

It was Rob, and we discussed some domestrivia, and then I squatted on the kitchen floor to give Linnea the phone. She climbed up to straddle one leg, reached around, and grabbed by hair and hung out of it. While I was trying to untangle her hand from my hair - and she was giggling madly - I overbalanced, heading stright for the floor and the corner of the doorframe, Linnea's head first followed by my whole weight. I twisted. I landed beside her - my head hit the door or the floor or possibly both, hers hit the wall. My knee did a funny hit-the-floor-and-twist thing. I yelled a lot. Linnea didn't - in fact she was fine until I asked "Ar eyou ok?" when she did just enough crying to make me kiss her head better and then scampered off healthily. I scooched over to the phone, dangling from its cord by the other door, and told Rob what had happened. After a bit I got feeling back to my lower leg and was able to stand and stuff, so that was ok.

Another up is that I made more banana muffins, only this time I made two loaves instead of muffins because I couldn't be bothered to scoop goop into 24 little paper cases. Also, we're out of mini muffin cases.

We did much dancing, I on my dodgy knee, because I put some music on and Linnea dragged me into the open floor and twirled, then nagged me in gibberish until I twirled too. Ow. But cute!

I also cleared the dining table totally, except for a huge vase of flowers, and cleared the kitchen of stuff that's been there since the morning I left for Ireland last. I'm not kidding! Some of it was decidedly unpleasant.

And I did laundry including a furry yellow cushion. Next laundry should be huge king-sized bedding but I hate the idea of having to dry the damn' stuff.

I really ought to leave the house. I haven't for quite a while, unless Rob was with me. I really ought to see a doctor about depression, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm deliberately not nagging Rob into calling to make me an appointment. That's... not good.

Still, it's a nice big sandpit I've got here, and at least my hair can't get greasy in it.

Belated thanks

To barakta, who gave me the copy of "Girl of the Limberlost" which I much enjoyed; I must try to get an unabridged copy one day. And to someone whose username is a mixture of letters and initials, and therefore impossible for me to remember, who sent two stuffable Nature Babies nappy wraps.

In other news, Linnea has an Amazon wishlist now. I somehow couldn't resist any more. Did you know amazon have improved their wishlist system so that you can sort lists into categories now? You did? Oh well, I only found out today, and I'm really pleased with it because it's making my list-making a lot easier.

Current Affairs

OK, I try not to do this because I hate discussing it, but here we go. On Sue Axon's "Right to Know" bid, I said the following in a community earlier today:

I find the thought that my daughter might do this - get pregnant and have an abortion, without telling me - terrifying and upsetting. But if that's what she felt she needed to do to feel safe then that's my own damn fault for not realising something was wrong, and taking her right to feel safe away from her is not the way to solve it.

I'm crying typing this. It's a terrible, terrible thing to contemplate. But she is a person, all 18 months of her, and she has the right to feel safe. It's my job as her mother to give her all the safety I can find. Even from myself.

Even from myself.

This is too upsetting, I can't say any more.

Also, I need to write down all the stuff I have to discuss with the consultant on Monday. And we have no printer. Gah. I am finding it very very hard to think about, also. I would greatly appreciate other people telling me what they remember me wanting to talk about.

And if we could do something to my fear-and-guilt reaction every time the phone rings, that would be good too.