Rob's Dream

Last night, Rob dreamed about buying a nice, big house. It was in Reading, which is where we already live, so it would have been very convenient. This house had turrets and crenellations, and an old-fashioned burgundy-and-leather-armchairs library, where the dark, antique oak bookcases are doors that lead into secret rooms which contain yet more books (the secret room was well-lit, with a light-blue trim, doors at either end, and cheerful, airy windows). It had a spacious and well-equipped kitchen, including large central roasting-pit, suitable for spit-roasting an entire pig (though lamentably unsuitable for a whole ox; you'd have to stop at a fatted calf). The pit was triangular, and lined with terracotta tiles up to the drainage channel around the edge (for the blood and the fat, one supposes). Diane Duane and Peter Morwood were hoping to sell for about 300,000 UKP; they didn't want to have to move any of the books, which may have been why the price was so good. Not many people would want to move into a house that already contained two large rooms full of books. There was one other couple interested in buying the house; friends of ours who were in the next room discussing the price. Rob woke up as he was about to open, ah, negotiations with me, along the lines of "we have to find the money for this place or die". He wanted to get our offer in first.

As you do.

What I have done and what I have failed to do

What I have done:

1. Put away the rest of the clean laundry
2. Chase florist
3. Write invitation, address and stamp envelope (but it still needs to be posted)
4. Chase plumber (though that needs to be done again)
5. Tidy pantry, cupboard under the stairs, dining room, main bedroom, spare bedroom, library, and bathroom.
6. Sorted all double-sized bedding to live with the sofabed, all single-sized bedding to live with the spare bed, and all other bedding to live with the king-sized bed.
7. Sorted sets of towels so that they can be stored as sets; one bath-towel, one hand-towel, and one facecloth per set. OK, so I only did two, but it's a start. We need to launder more towels before we can do more.
8. Purchased hiking boots and appropriate socks. That's that done for the next decade.

What I have failed to do:

1. Make cupboard doors. Rob has to do this, really. I have thrown up my hands in despair because my Cunning Plan won't work and I want him to design me a new Cunning Plan.
2. Buy cladding, but there's no point until the electrician has run his trunking everywhere.
3. Take winter duvet to the laundrette
4. Post wedding invitation
5. Chase more RSVPs
6. Force plumber to set a date for installing a shower

Schedule: 6 weeks to the wedding

• 6 weeks to go: Sat 24 May:
  • Saturday: Check all honeymoon clothes, make list of what is already there and what we need to buy.
  • Sunday: Practise moving around in pretty frock and new wedding shoes / pretty suit and new wedding shoes. Buy hiking boots for pre-wedding "I'm Bridezilla, get me out of here" walking holiday without groom.
  • Bank Holiday Monday: Groom realises it's not a bank holiday in Norway and hopes that this means he will have time to book the honeymoon. Bride should study for her assignment. Really, she should. Yes, I mean it. Study. Yes.
  • Tuesday: Bride writes, dates, signs and hand-delivers cheque to venue to secure booking. Bride visits friend to view new house. Bride also studies. Please.
  • Wednesday: Bride finds someone from her family to read at the wedding.
  • Friday: Bride is finally released from evil job and can stop feeling guilty, as long as she has been studying.
• 5 weeks to go: Sat 31 May:
  • Saturday: Bride, groom, groom's parents, chief bridesmaid, and caterer all assemble at venue for Planning.
  • Sunday: Bride drags groom to watch her dance lesson. Bride writes assignment.
  • Monday: Bride posts assignment to tutor. Bride also finalises ceremony, including translations of relevant sections into or out of Swedish, prints it off, and sends it to the Registrar for approval. Groom finalises honeymoon details, including budgeting, and informs Bride of relevant points. Bride and Chief Bridesmaid buy swimsuits for exciting holiday in sunny Dorset.
  • Tuesday: Bride leaves for pre-wedding holiday. Groom rejoices.
  • Thursday: Groom begins to remember nice things about Bride, decides not to call off wedding as inspired by relief of Tuesday.
• 4 weeks to go: Sat 07 June:
• Saturday: Bride returns home. Groom admits to having pined away, and immediately leaves for stag party with chief bridesmaid.
• Sunday: Bride taunts Groom mercilessly about his hangover. Bride and Groom go to see Fred Dibner show.
• One day this week: Bride pampers, exfoliates, depilates, tans, tars and feathers self.
• Wednesday: Bride studies madly, and attends dancine lesson.

3 weeks to go: Sat 14 June:

• All week: Bride starts studying for next assignment.

2 weeks to go: Sat 21 June:

• Mon-Fri: Bride studies.
• Saturday: Bride writes assignment.
• Sunday: Bride completes assignment and posts it.

1 week to go: Sat 28 June:

• Saturday: Bride attends tutorial. Bride's mother and sister/bridesmaid arrive.
• Sometime: Bride, her mother, sister, and chief bridesmaid go to Tea in the Bath Pump Rooms.
• Thursday: Bride attends dancing lesson to make up for missing some over the honeymoon. Bride and Groom pack honeymoon suitcases, seal, and place in secure location where they can't mess with them in tomorrow's panic.
• Friday: Widespread panic.

Wedding: Sat 05 July: All is sweetness and light, because entire thing has been planned beautifully and flexibly. By this point, we'll just want to get it done with.

Suddenly, it's not lunchtime any more

I will arise and go now, and go and eat my tea,
And a load of laundry wash, of socks and knickers made.
Some pizza have I cooked now, with nasty cheddar cheese,
And onions that did not make the grade.