Plan of Action

[ailbhe]

OK, we have a damage limitation plan:

I stop doing things just for Rob's benefit. I stop saying "we slept in" when he slept in and made us late, I stop saying "we forgot to pay..." when he promised he'd do it and forgot, I stop buying his family presents and not mentioning that he had even forgotten the birthday was soon, I stop reminding him to call his parents, I stop doing his laundry, I stop all the little not-quite-lies I tell to make him look good. I used to do it from some kind of loyalty, from wanting to support him in public, that sort of thing.

I stop nodding and smiling when his mother tells me I should make him dress better or cut his hair. I don't defend his poor personal hygiene to her when she criticises it. I respond not with "I'll try to make him," or "It's his decision - he's an adult," because that doesn't have any effect. Instead, I'll say "He wasn't raised to do these things." Because he clearly wasn't. If he had been, he'd be doing them. Are they important? I have no idea. That's not relevant. They certainly didn't stop me marrying him.

I stop deferring to his judgement when I'm pretty sure he's wrong to "save his feelings" or to "avoid undermining him".

And I bet you that in about ten days I'll have stopped resenting him. And that has got to be good.

(Yes, I have discussed all this with Rob already. I don't wash our dirty laundry in public until it's been washed privately.)

(And yes, I know he's depressed - but I have been living with depression for about 10 months now and PTSD for 7 months longer than that. I can't make allowances for his depression; I have to survive my own.)

Comments

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

i think those are mostly excellent ideas.

except for what to say to his mother.

Yes, I also think all of these are excellent resolutions, except that one. I don't think anyone will be helped by responding to her in a way that seems to blame her. I'd try something like "I think that's up to him" or "I don't think it's my place to tell him what to do".

[ailbhe]

Trouble is, I have 5 years' experience that those responses don't work. Neither does "you should tell Rob, not me," as she just says "But he doesn't listen to me!"

The real reason I want to use "raised" terminology is that she has told me I was badly brought up, which makes me want to maim her. (In her house; I asked Rob what I should do and did it. Grr.) I should probably just get over that.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Probably best, but I know revenge can be tempting :-( Even if those responses don't work, I think it would probably be best to stick to them and use the broken-record technique, rather than escalate the problem by blaming her.

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

oh. *wry heh*. i see -- man, would i ever be tempted to get her back for that.

though i would probably prefer directness over revenge. i'd try and tell her how that sort of remark made you feel, and whether she'd like it if rob's shortcomings were blamed on her. maybe that would get through to her.

another thing i might try is to warn her that you've put up with this for 5 years, and are stressed out about it, and that if she continues, you will just walk out whenever she attempts to remodel rob vicariously through you. and then do it.