Plan of Action

[ailbhe]

OK, we have a damage limitation plan:

I stop doing things just for Rob's benefit. I stop saying "we slept in" when he slept in and made us late, I stop saying "we forgot to pay..." when he promised he'd do it and forgot, I stop buying his family presents and not mentioning that he had even forgotten the birthday was soon, I stop reminding him to call his parents, I stop doing his laundry, I stop all the little not-quite-lies I tell to make him look good. I used to do it from some kind of loyalty, from wanting to support him in public, that sort of thing.

I stop nodding and smiling when his mother tells me I should make him dress better or cut his hair. I don't defend his poor personal hygiene to her when she criticises it. I respond not with "I'll try to make him," or "It's his decision - he's an adult," because that doesn't have any effect. Instead, I'll say "He wasn't raised to do these things." Because he clearly wasn't. If he had been, he'd be doing them. Are they important? I have no idea. That's not relevant. They certainly didn't stop me marrying him.

I stop deferring to his judgement when I'm pretty sure he's wrong to "save his feelings" or to "avoid undermining him".

And I bet you that in about ten days I'll have stopped resenting him. And that has got to be good.

(Yes, I have discussed all this with Rob already. I don't wash our dirty laundry in public until it's been washed privately.)

(And yes, I know he's depressed - but I have been living with depression for about 10 months now and PTSD for 7 months longer than that. I can't make allowances for his depression; I have to survive my own.)

Comments

[djelibeybi.livejournal.com]

Stopping all that stuff is good.

Starting a healthier, happier life is better. BOTH you and Rob are responsible for your own words and actions.

When G was first struggling with alcoholism, I took on more. He did less. This grew until he was completely dependant upon me. Even to the point of walking/carrying him upstairs to go to bed. I told no-one and defended him, citing work, illness, stress, even the children. People were not fooled. No-one accused me of not caring for him.

The only thing that keeps me from the guilty nightmares is the statement from the Intensive Care specialist: "You never forced him to drink"

I *am* a strong person and so are you. You know what's right, what's important, what's urgent. Sleep deprivation can throw your judgement right off course and make you unreasonable and "un-Ailbhe". Same goes for Rob.

I recommend making lists with each other. Agree what those important things are - Linnea, health, employment, fun. Concentrate on all the things that make them work. Then ignore everything else - especially voices, real or imaginary.