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Gifted Child Syndrome, part 2, segueing into Talking About Myself
I've been out all day, but can now sit down and maybe think properly witter about what I jotted down for the previous entry. Somebody stop me if there is actually a real condition called "Gifted Child Syndrome", because I heard it in casual conversation and am using it as a useful tag for my own witterings and I'd hate to find that I was mis-educating people about something that psychotherapists could mis-educate them about much better. Trust me, that sentence looked even worse with the proper grammar.
I know a lot of people who produced unusual results, particulary in academic or performance fields, at an early age (I'm not going into why - innate talent, specifically admired or encouraged talent, born into a culture that doesn't recognise the concept of inability - whatever). A large number of these people, having once produced a certain standard, were expected - whether by their families, teachers or peers, and sometimes by themselves (though I strongly suspect that that is induced rather than innate) - to continue to produce or exceed that standard. "I got eight As and a B" - "What's the B in?". See also "So how come you could get 99 but not 100?" and "You've never failed an audition before - what did you do wrong?" (Though many people experienced far less overt versions of the same thing, such as "How lovely, dear, you nearly got an A!")
The people who grow up with these expectations seem to grow up believing that they should be able to meet them. And it's actually pretty hard to produce your best work all the time. Most of the people I know who grew up like that tend to totally avoid the things they're average at, let alone the things they're bad at. "Good enough" isn't good enough. "Good enough" is actually failure, for them, because they're supposed to excel. And people who are supposed to excel can't fail. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I have found this bothering me a couple of times recently. One, I started dancing lessons. I had never done ballroom dancing before and didn't know whether I'd be any good or not. Actually getting to enough lessons to find out that I am, more or less, on the good side of average was - seriously - almost impossible. The idea of doing something without knowing beforehand whether or not I'd be able to do it was enough to make me sick to my stomach. This may have been the first time I did this of my own volition.
The other time, I started an Open University course. I did one last year, which was fine. This year, however, it's actually not piss-easy.
It requires work.
And I can't do it. I can't work at it. I can't make myself believe that I, The Great Ailbhe, who sailed through her entire educational career getting above-average results without even trying to think about effort, might have to work at something educational. But I do have to and - this is the killer - I enjoy it when I manage to force myself to do it. I'm not lazy; I often do all sorts of things I don't want to do which have to be done. The only thing about this that's stopping me is the feeling that I ought to be naturally able to do it better.
Having to galls me. I feel appallingly inferior when I realise that I can't just skim-read the material and produce an adequate essay in a couple of hours. And having discovered that, I can't produce a barely-adequate one and tell myself "I could have done a good one if I'd wanted to," either, which I know for a fact I've done before.
I like learning stuff. I really do. But I object to anything that smacks of forced education. Always have.
My history teacher used to shout at me for not working. He told the whole class that he didn't understand why I didn't put the effort in, since I was obviously intelligent enough to do really well. I believe I just stood still and said nothing. Probably sullenly.
I still don't understand why one should work hard to pass exams to get into a different educational establishment to pass exams. I don't get this whole exams business.
I used to worry about my kids' education. Then I realised that we can send 'em to school to learn about stuff like interacting with other people, and having to spend a large portion of your day somewhere you hate doing mostly pointless things, and other important lessons for life, and everything else they can learn outside school, if they're not learning it in there. Certainly most things you can learn out of books will be available to them. I might have trouble with lab work.
My mother also hated school. She understood, when I was 15 and attending school about once a month, why I was behaving that way. She even went to see the head and tried to work out ways to make school more bearable for me - and the head, bless her, did try, at least a bit. It wouldn't have been possible to succeed, at that stage; they would have had to leave me with access to the school library, a rough outline of the syllabus, and free rein to go and ask a teacher when I had questions. That's not practical in one of the highest academic standard schools in the country; they have to concentrate on farming people for exams.
I should actually try to think coherently about all this, when I am well and so on. At least when I am well and want to think about it I'll have this kind of wibble to refer back to.
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Gifted Children
I would love to blame the school system, or my parents. And indeed, I should have learned something at an early age that I did not.
Big acchievers DO work at what they do. They work damned hard. It might feel mostly like play to them because they love it, but it is still hard work.
I got straight As for the first time in my life when I was nearly thirty. Oh, I did it and I am glad I did. But I still don't want a hotshot career. I want to be a housewife and write. That's what I really want.
My IQ is high enough that when I mention this, I'll get a "oh, you could do better than that" or "don't you think you're wasting your intelligence?"
Re: Gifted Children
s/write/mother and maybe something else/ and you're practically me.
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"Good enough" isn't good enough. "Good enough" is actually failure, for them, because they're supposed to excel. And people who are supposed to excel can't fail.
Yes, this is me. I'm working hard on it, though, and I'm now able to allow myself approximately one failure per week, as long as it's tiny and insignificant :-) The whole "effortless achievement" thing is a killer, no?
The one point of divergence, I think, is that where you were conscious of your rebellion I subsumed mine and let it eat away at me while I continued to jump through the hoops. Left me with a seriously atrophied connection to my own will, which was extremely uncomfortable and took years of therapy to begin to address.
And then, both my parents are academics, so the "school is important" meme was strong with them. Not - certainly not - "school is always right", more "school is a bit silly, but doing well there is your ticket to the real stuff" (i.e. university) with a side order of "don't set out to do less than you are capable of". Which is kind of "do exams so that you can do more exams", but not really, because the college experience is so very different from school.
That thing of letting you loose in the school library with the syllabus? I see no earthly reason why it wouldn't have been practical - indeed, it might have been an excellent solution (assuming some kind of system, possibly, for interacting with teachers in writing, if they weren't able to make time to meet face to face). But it's just so far from the dominant educational paradigm that it would never have occurred to that kindly but limited woman (meeee-owww! - but hey, I'm eleven years out of the place this year - call it jaundiced hindsight) to consider it seriously.
Right. Enough wittering from me, now. This is, as you know (and if you didn't, you do now), a topic mere inches from my heart...
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I had been reading my mother's library. Alternative education system books, books about toxic families, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them", books about teaching infants things the System doesn't teach them until they are 6 or 8 or 12. I was actually, in spite of Mum's efforts to be neutral, encouraged to mistrust the Them.
I think she (Bn Ui C, not Bn de B) tried very hard, really. She did allow me to come to school and attend only those classes that I felt able to attend, and sit the rest of the time in the hall with or without a book of my choice. The only reason it didn't work is because other teachers would harass me as I was sitting there, and I couldn't face up to saying "I am being treated differently and you will learn to cope" to them. She also let me hide in the locked cistin (she gave me the key and let me lock myself in so that I knew I wouldn't be disturbed) at least twice. She put up with a lot of me demanding to see her and howling at her. She did, however, have to cope with the rest of the staff, and however much she was willing to adapt, they weren't.
If it hadn't been for her, I'd have been a homeless dropout earlier and longer.
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Ah, that explains it. I mixed up my heads :-)
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Now I know that while I love reading and going to tutorials I am no longer capable of completing written assignments. I go into a mental spasm, it's really quite horrible and unhealthy. I can do exams but they seem to have gone out of fashion for part time courses, unfortunately.
Sometimes I blame it on my parents leaving me in Sion Hill because I was doing well enough there, while my siblings with dyslexia were sent to St Andrews and Alexandria. Sometimes I think a better school wouldn't have made any difference anyway.
BTW, I find myself curious about what school you went to, but I won't be offended if you chose not to say.
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My mum did the Gaelscoil thing in Cahir - I suspect she would have considered it for us if we hadn't spent so much time abroad.
Blackrock is like this whole educational ghetto - there are at least 5 good secondary school, the Smurfit school of Business and countless national schools walking distance from my parents house.
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Now, doing OU stuff, I found the first year quite fun and easy and passed with 80+ percent. What a shock to the system to find that year 2 isn't a doddle, and I'm already panicking about the exams and the thought that if I don't do my absolute best I'll end up with a degree that is less than a 1st. It's done a lot of convincing to myself that a 2-1 would be acceptable to me, even though I'm supposed to be only doing this for fun and to prove to myself that I can do it.
It's the same with my practical music - I'm not brilliant at it, only adequate, so I get torn between working hard and practicing to improve and totally ignoring trying to do anything with it because I'm only adequate (normally in periods of about 6 months each).
All this, and I'm not what I would've termed a "gifted child". Now for gifted you want someone like himself who only turned up to about 3 classes all year and still managed to come top of nearly every subject without lbooyd trying at all! *spit snarl*.
And himself definitely suffers from "if I'm not going to excel at it then I won't even try" syndrome.