Emer is much better today

[ailbhe]

She stayed in bed until almost 11, because she's tired and slightly hurting, but she asked me more about my time with measles and whooping cough and then gleefully said "I won't get those, because I had the majection."

So she's coming to accept it, though last night she also said in a very reassuring tone "I am always ok when you hurt me," which was, well, brilliant. Yay. I would have laughed at that except I was too busy being punched in the gut.

Comments

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you and she are recovering. :)

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Am glad to hear that. As for the second paragraph, I'm sure if you hurt her regularly or severely, she'd not say that. She wouldn't be able to.

[clarahippy.livejournal.com]

Ouch, but I suspect that is a affirmation of her trust in you. She knows you wouldn't do anything sore if it wasn't necessary.

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

I've just realised this could be massively misinterpreted. What I meant was, she commented that because it was such an unusual event, and even at her age she realises it's necessity.

[ailbhe]

On the contrary, it's classic abused children stuff - they reassure the contrite abusing adult that they are ok, because caring for the adult and prioritising the adult's emotional wellbeing is key.

Which isn't what's going on here, but that's just what a real abuser would say, isn't it?

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Well, I've met you, and I've met your children. I think the same behaviour could be displayed by an intelligent child (with loving parents) who understands necessities?

[ailbhe]

I'm kind of holding on to that thought.

[barakta]

I'm glad she's showing good signs of recovery/acceptance.

It is very hard; as a child who had extensive medical shenanigans I don't know how my parents could have done better - they could have done a lot worse. I only have one traumatic incident that has any impact on me today and that involved a bad drug reaction so I was hugely out of my comfort zone to start with. Other painful stuff isn't in the same league

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

Watching my sis raise her kid, reading about you raising yours, makes me realise how BRAVE you have to be to be a Mum. And yes I do know that being brave is about feeling terrified and sodding doing it anyway.

Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

If you're an abuser, you are also superhumanly good at consistently lying about how you care for your children. Seriously. If Emer needs the vaccination (which she does), and she doesn't want the vaccination, then you can either let her go unprotected with the risk of getting seriously ill in the future or you can use a certain amount of force. That's a crappy choice to have to make but it does not equal abuse. It doesn't. Her phrasing was unfortunate, but I really do think she was expressing an understanding that you keep her safe even when nasty things sometimes have to happen.

Part of maintaining the trust in a parent-child relationship is about both of you knowing that the parent is competent to run the show. It's totally appropriate to say you're sorry when you have to do something she doesn't like. But I think it's possible to overdo the contrition, and that would make her feel much less secure. You are very aware of how things might affect your children and that is fantastic, but you and they also need to have faith in your judgement. She will be OK, and your knowing that will be reassuring to her.

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[ailbhe]

It's ok, she doesn't read this.

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

Ack, I didn't mean that I think you're sitting down with her and asking her to reassure you that you're not an abuser or anything. :( I just meant that being OK with the action you took is good for both of you, not just a way of making you more comfortable. (Though that is important.)

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[ailbhe]

Heh, I can't be that person from here. Maybe one day I won't second-guess the times I make my children cry on purpose, but really my history of abuse and mental illness makes me wonder whether that would be wise. I *have* been abusive to the children in the past (but I've had the contraceptive implant removed now so perhaps it won't happen again) and there's always that generational cycle...

Mind you, I didn't apologise to Emer this time, just sympathised. A lot. And cried where she couldn't hear me.

[ailbhe]

She TOOK ORAL MEDICATION! she downed two sachets of Calpol. I think we've sorted that one now, I'm so relieved.

[barakta]

That's really good to hear. I am sure the care and extent you've gone to try and minimise further trauma and use any other alternative wherever possible will have helped.

I hope she feels less post-vacc rotten soon.

And I send a *very* large cup of tea your way.

From my quotes file...

[pauamma]

"Bungee jumping and skydiving are for wimps. If you want to experience true gut-wrenching terror, have children." --Dusty Rhoades.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

There is a great deal of difference between "hurt" and "harm". Emer may have been hurt, but she wasn't harmed.

(And I really suggest not dwelling on it; the guilt won't do you or her any good.)

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that Emer got to the acceptance stage far more quickly than I predicted.

Obviously, your past experiences have made you extremely sensitive to possible abuse of your children. So perhaps you need to ask yourself "Would the majority of people on my friends list consider this abuse?".

It's clear that there is a horribly difficult line when it comes to health-related things, and a person can't wave away the pain inflicted on a child with the answer "but it may save her life". But there are two possible ways to abuse the child: hurt her through the injection, or expose her to the illness without prior immunity; and certainly the former is over much more quickly.

I hope you're feeling much better now.

[ailbhe]

I think even the pit of my stomach is over it now. And from what she says - I'm not bringing the subject up - she understands that the bit I'm sorry about isn't the injection, but the physical struggle first. She's mainly wandering around occasionally saying "I won't get sick and have to be in the dark!" and things, and she's pretty anxious that Astrid get her majections soon so that she won't get sick either.

Oh, and she said to Rob, "Soon I will get another one and I will sit very still." Which, if we decide to try to get her a flu one, would be good.

[ailbhe]

I had someone almost suggest I not vaccinate Astrid, on Friday. I felt MUCH more like that person was threatening harm to my child than I've ever felt I was myself.