Night Terrors, Awake

[ailbhe]

I was lying in bed last night, thinking about our trip to Aran, and suddenly I thought of Dun Aengus and immediately I saw Linnea running gleefully to the edge of the cliff and over. And over and over. Over and over and over and over, through the air... I didn't see her hit the sea.

It took me some time to get over this. I almost shouted. It was real enough to me that I wanted to jump after her. I have vetoes any trips to the Dun while we're on Aran because I feel sick to the pit of my stomach at the thought.

Logically, I know that this is at least partially the remnants of the PTSD, surfacing because of the book on c-sections I'm reading.

I've never been to Aran and not to the Dun before, I think. But I'm not going this time.

I'm also going to start writing a birth plan soon, to see if that helps me deal with the c-section idea any better. I have my consultation on Tuesday to see about rectocele repair. Hopefully the surgery will be shortly after the holiday is over.

Urgh. I'm grateful for so many unpleasant things, when I think about it.

Comments

[rosefox]

Ouch. *( I'm glad you decided to skip the trip; you can always go back when she's older.

So many stories start with "when I was born, my mother had a vision that I would [do this great deed | die in this fashion | etc.]" and now I wonder how many of those visions were due to post-birth trauma inspiration.

[ailbhe]

Well, mothers spend practically all the time thinking "How can this situation hurt my baby?" on at least one level. It can't be good for us.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Aiyi! I know that sensation. Horrid daymares from which you can't look away.

A bit like the sensation of watching him slip and face-plant on the sidewalk. Everything's in slow motion except the picture in your brain, and your arms move like molasses and it's just too late. The daymares are like that.

[seren.livejournal.com]

I do it too - Stu was carrying Lucy over a bridge in Calais a few weeks ago, and my heart was in my throat. I had visions of crazy people pushing them over the edge. He stopped halfway across the bridge to show her the river and I just had to keep walking..

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has these horrible visions. I was at the local tip the other day, chucking cardboard into the recycling skip. I suddenly, for no logical reason, imagined Felicity falling over the side into the skip and being there all alone and screaming. I could see this in vivid detail. I had to shut my eyes and I felt sick. Typing it now is having a similar effect. I have no idea where the thought came from, but of course she was sitting there strapped firmly into her carseat and grinning at me.